MOTHER LOVELY

Butt, Of Course!

08 May 2012 4 Comments

by Mother Lovely in Lifestyle Tags: Comedic Personal Essay, comedy, How to Head Butt, Personal Essay, shannon greene leduke, witty banter

Despite my English professors and Fathers efforts to convince me otherwise, by study and trade I’m a writer. While this career is very creative and fun its also grueling and “serious”, like most any other job. For example, many people think writing involves hours of intense thinking, sitting around, sipping coffee, and typing, which is part of the gig, however writing like banking, managing, or engineering, is for the majority a bunch of deadlines, rules, and people who know more than you giving you suggestions. So, to keep my writers spirit alive I sometimes like to write silly, ridiculous things (We writers can’t always be Fitzgerald’ing.) that keep my creative juices flowing. In the past I’ve kept these silly scribbles to only on the pages of my journal, however today I thought why not share some of my sillier, personal stuff with you MotherLovely readers. So, lovely ladies and gents, here it is. My first personal essay on MotherLovely, do enjoy. (Hopefully?)

Picture a 4’11, thin, well mannered, middle class, blonde Girl Scout….getting into a physical, mental, or spiritual fight. (Yikes, right?) Poor little lamb like children never win…when it comes to fighting. Of course, I’m not talking about your adolescent body type or upbringing. (Although I’m sure you too grew up in an environment that stamped you as above average height and around average intelligence.) What I am talking about is me. Me and my uncomfortable childhood. When I was growing up getting into an “altercation” was an every day occurrence, for example…

Example No. 1 Teachers and childhood Shannon

“No Shannon you can’t go to the bathroom, you’ve been four times today!”

“But Mrs. Teacher I have a small bladder! Didn’t you get the doctors note my Dad gave you?”

(Shortly after this witty banter, I’d be detained by my principal for running to the restroom without permission.)

Example No. 2 Friends and childhood Shannon

“Ugh, Shannon. Your hair is so weird and orange. Gross.”

“Okay, well…your…hands are clammy…”

(After bursting into tears and running to the bathroom an unsuspecting teacher might ask me what’s wrong, which might  lead to someone acquiring a detention.)

 Example No. 3 Family members and childhood Shannon

“Dad can I go to my friends house?”

“Sure, let me sleep for five more minuets.”

(After walking to my friends house because I didn’t feel like waiting my Father would drive to my friends house, pick me up, and command I stay inside my room all weekend.)

Hopefully these short, yet seemingly in-depth anecdotes leave you with the feeling that as a child I was,  A. awkwardly defiant, and B. a total baby. Getting into trouble was an art form for me, under the terms that I had no idea what I was doing and when I was finished people were slightly impressed and incredibly P-O’ed. So, one day when I was twelve or so, because for years I was always finding myself in strange and precarious situations, my Father thought I might need to learn how to defend myself. My memory of what he taught me is a little hazy however, I do remember some key bullet points that I’d like to share with you.

Dad’s Guide to Ward of Danger : The Head Butt

Like I said, as a child I was thin, afraid, and kitten-like, so when your demeanor resembles that of a small fluffy animal you can’t “defend” yourself the usual way people do. (i.e punching, kicking, or running away.) My Father told me in order to ward off unwanted punches, hurtful words, or (the very unlikely but still possible) first kiss I would need to learn how to Head Butt. His explanation as to why Head Butting was appropriate for a teenage girl was this.

1. “It’s unexpected”, my father said.  Because I wasn’t strong he figured the only way I could come close to defending myself would be, by using the element of sharp surprise.

2.  “You have a really big head,” my father told me after I fell on top of him while twirling like Nancy Kerrigan at a roller rink birthday party.

3. “Because it doesn’t fall under any sort of typical defense category maybe you won’t get in trouble for it if you have to Head Butt at school.” (Although I’ve never have to Head Butt anyone at school I do remember once thinking of my Fathers defense instruction and Head Butt’ing a guy at a house party.)

4. “You know, It might impress people. Maybe someone will want to be your friend because of it.” This tip from my Father left me feeling extra whimsical. At the time, because of my uncomfortable personal habits, (needing to constantly visit the rest room, girl scout cookie selling, and love of riding horses) my list of friends included girls who had known me since I was 5, my family, and over worked employees at my Fathers office. New friends might be cool? I thought.

5. “Head butting has a place in society Shannon. Don’t ever feel like you have to follow what the crowd is doing. Be your own person.” This conclusion to my Father’s suggested way of defense was a perfect transition into my young-adult life. Soon after my Dad schooled me in the art of Head Butting I went in to upper middle school. I awaited my chance to impress, hurt, and launch myself at the girls around me, but upper middle school girl fighting is so sneaky and under the table I never, not even once, got to use what my Father had taught me.

The point I’m trying to make here ladies is, there’s no need to fight using words, boyfriend stealing, or Facebook messaging. In honor of a tortured fifth grade girl scout, if you find yourself at a party, work gathering, or brunch and someone says, “No you can’t use the bathroom”, “No I won’t drive you to your friends house”, or “Ew your hair is weird.” Simply flash them a smile and hit them with your head as hard as you possible can.

Hopefully this personal essay leaves you laughing and feeling extra lovely. (not thinking I’m a total weirdo.)

xx

Shannon

(Warning : Please keep in mind that this essay is a work of creative nonfiction and that Head Butting may have physical, emotional, and legal consequences.)